If you are sick of my depressing posts, don't read this.

I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that for the past almost two months, not a week has gone by that I have not applied for a job or multiple jobs. And no one will hire me.
Admittedly, I have been applying for certain jobs over others. I cannot accept never seeing my wife and friends by having to work perpetual evenings and weekends. But regardless, there has still been a reasonable variety. And no one wants me.
I have been willing to take a paper route for several weeks now, but Heather doesn't want me to because it will be meaningless on my resume (and I doubt we'd break even on gas). And now even the available paper routes are dwindling. And in the newspaper, I'm finding fewer and fewer jobs that even have a chance of paying me what we need.

We're fucked.

I don't want to leave here yet. Our lives here may seem simple and somewhat futureless, but at least there are places (meaning people) down here where I feel I am needed, or where I feel that I am contributing. In Gurnee, Illinois, and it's surrounding suburbia, there is NOTHING for us! The concert, arts and slam scene is 1 1/2 hours away in Chicago, and there is NO garuntee that I'm any more likely to find a job up there. Heather either. When I lived up there for a year, all I did was work. I had no external life, and I did not write! Therefore, I don't want to go back there! At least not like this, once again beaten by life, once again having failed.

I realize that God's vision is bigger than mine, and it always will be, but if we have to move up there and live with my parents, I will be completely demoralized and thrust into a very deep depression. That, based on my self-knowledge, is what I see.

If we have to go back up there to survive, it will have a destructive impact on our marriage. I will fall deep into the parts of my psyche and behavior that distress Heather the most, and that she feels the most helpless to effect. I will look at what I have always seen(in both micro and macrocosm): my life, on the brink of new forward motion, undercut and pulled-down. I will believe that nothing has changed, that I have not changed, and I never will.

I have no occupational identity, in an age when we are told that that is all that matters. But even if we cast-off those beliefs, we must work to survive (especially when we are in what my dad called "severe financial distress").

Have you ever felt doomed? Seeing no way out? My Bipolar is not under solid control, and the current med is giving me cronic side-effects, so we'll have to try a new one, and thats always healthy for the mentally distressed. And by how I'm feeling, I truly may have caught Heather's Mono. Gas won't stop going up! All of this can only continue to inhibit my chances for a job. So yeah, I feel doomed.

I guess I should go apply at Sonic, be willing to accept 6 bucks an hour, and prepare to face the daily struggle of trying not to slit my wrists.

I apologize if you read all of this, because I'm going to feel guilty for depressing you. But I have to put it somewhere, and I abstain from going through all of this with people face-to-face because the last thing I want to be in a relationship is a bring-down. At least here you can stop reading.