Why do I resist sleep so stubbornly? Hell, I'll consider napping a preferable option for how to spend time during the typical waking hours, yet I'm unwilling to fall asleep at a normal human time. . . . Ah, there it is. "Normal human time." I hate time and the ever increasing speed of it's passage. I hate normality - the status quo, conformity. And I believe that most people have the meaning of our humaness all wrong. No wonder I'm unwilling to sleep right now.

As the world around me sleeps, these hours hold a serenity, a privacy, a comfort that I do not feel during the day. I have always been this way, when I was allowed. Summers, while growing-up, were spent in much this way. First shift day jobs also forbid this pleasure. But whenever allowed, I have fallen into this routine. It is in me. To be awake when everyone else is asleep. It is my rebellion. My tiny personal victory over the tides of life.

But does it actually mean anything? I mean, does it matter? Am I any more special because of this? If not, then it is a very tiny victory indeed.

Heather wishes I would sleep when she does, as we used to do. She likes falling asleep with me.

Yet I would hope that someday, somewhere, my being awake while you sleep would matter, that you would take comfort from it. Comfort to know that I am here, and vigilant, full of thoughts and prayers. To know that I have dominion (as utterly foolish as that sounds) over the hours that you lose. To know that at least someone does. And perhaps, you'll feel a little better knowing it is me. Because to me those hours feel lost, feel dead, and I want to make them live, in my own simple way.